Recent surveys reveal that three out of four Irish workers believe their employers are showing less loyalty while at the same time, four out of five Irish workers are contemplating leaving their job. Trust between workers and bosses is not what it should be.
In an effort to combat this slide into indifference, every year companies all over the country hire a conference hotel — at great expense — to tell their employees they love them.
To see why trust has broken down, all you have to do is spend an hour or two at such an event because the increasingly popular team-building off-site sheds light on an important aspect of Irish working life.
Workers, many of whom spend their entire day dreaming of being somewhere else or playing Second Life, get together under the guidance of an over-enthusiastic human resources manager whose gushing management style comes directly from an MBA handbook.
The spread of this pseudo-science is not unlike the spread of a religion in the Dark Ages.
In the modern Ireland, corporate St Patricks armed with disturbingly similar symbols, explain the apparently inexplicable and reveal the true light via simple code.
So instead of the shamrock symbolising “three persons in the one God” we get “five steps to effective management” or “10 secrets to sales success” or “eight immutable rules of corporate reputation”. This guff, really St Patrick and the snakes for slow learners, has seeped into many Irish companies.
An example of this is the term “human resources”. When they were called personnel departments, at least they pretended you were a real living, feeling person.
Yes, you might not be as important as a manager in the accounts department but at least you were a step up from the filing cabinet.
When you went to personnel with personal issues like a death in the family, a holiday query or requesting to go on a spoof course, the idea that your entire worth was being assessed, costed, calculated and determined by a simple input/output equation was not signalled directly.
Sometime in the mid 1990s, the corporate world decided to dispense with the pretence of personnel.
Instead you became a resource, like the filing cabinet or the electricity that keeps the building lit — a human resource but a resource nonetheless. Hi, my name’s David, I’m a resource.
These days, human resource departments come up with initiatives, culled from gobbledygook textbooks, which are always company-wide, task-specific, people-centred, goal-orientated, growth-targeted, client-focussed, time-saving, knowledge-enhancing, audience-appropriate, team-building, earnings-driven, profit-sensitive, carbon-neutral, dim-witted bull-shit.
A recent conference was entitled something like ‘Knowledge Management — How to leverage know-how in a hostile environment’.
God knows what this means but that doesn’t matter.
The evening promised to be Glastonbury for people with quoted companies. It was all lights, dry-ice, Dad-rock and soggy canapés. At half past eight, the pushy PA took over proceedings. She’s got that scary look about her, you know that German anti-nuclear activist from the 1980s with angular glasses, spiky plum hair and a clip-board.
She’s Irish but has been in the US for three months so she said things like “ball-park”, “touch base” and “in the zone”.
She also had that annoying habit of saying, “ya know what” in response to every question she’s asked. For example:
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
“Ya know what? I won’t.”
After interminable talks about sales, motivation and blue-skies, the main act appeared in the guise of the right-on, I’m one of you, ordinary-guy CEO (even if he had stock options worth multiples of the salaries of everyone in the room).
Part of the corporate story is and always will be progress: you too can make it, reach for the stars, realise your potential.
Behind the scenes, ten minutes before the three hundred “workers”, (described grandiosely as “associates”) sat down to pay homage to the corporate Gods, the chief executive bounds in all chummy and practises his nonchalant, spur-of the moment, off-the-cuff, learned-off-by-heart speech.
He is media-trained to within an inch of his life, right down to the phoney pauses, drum-rolls and inserted gags.
The act opens with a blast of U2’s ‘Beautiful Day’, cue dry ice and a light show worthy of a mid-1980s prog-rock stadium gig.
The CEO takes the stage to thunderous applause, coffee-to-go in his hand. He says something entirely predictable like “Yikes, now this is scary”. The crowd laugh uproariously in synchronised Ceausescu-like fashion.
The CEO starts the verbal high-fives immediately, congratulating everyone for targets met and standards set. He refers to the head office as Redwood — an anodyne suburb of St Louis — saying how Redwood “respects” Dublin and reaffirming that the people are the company, without the people we’d be nothing.
He introduces us to a black receptionist from Illinois with Alicia Keyes braids by satellite link up.
“Dioneesha is the face of the company”, he smarms, “she’s been employee of the month six times and it’s hundreds of ordinary people like Dioneesha Wilkins who make this company great” — which is obviously why Dioneesha gets the bus to work.
He gives the crowd his life story — wrong side of the tracks, hard working mother, kitchen-table wisdom, and penny apples. It’s all standard rags to Ritz Carlton stuff delivered in that Jesus Christ Superstar, would-you-believe, evangelical CEO tempo.
The chinos are slightly loose, pushed down by the paunch. He has an open-necked pink aertex with an ad for the world’s top selling incontinence drug on the sleeve. He looks like an overweight caddy. You know he has a copy of ‘Foreigner 4’. There’s a hint of a mullet.
All the talk is of winners, going the extra mile, digging deep, listening, the “go-to-guy”, being counted, respecting the opposition, the importance of Number 1, merit, co-operation, potential, uniqueness, diversity, systems, integration, serving the company, fulfilling your work, respecting yourself. When you put it all together, it’s about nothing and everything.
With this sort of corporate codswallop, is it any wonder so many of us feel restless?
David & Co.:
This business role model is only one of the many sins inflicted on the world that America has to answer for.
But it is definitely one of the BIG ones.
Dan
David,
Couldn’t agree more. I console myself however that as an Ameropean nation, dependent on American Capital and consequently american companies and their corporate cultures, such a living hell is to be zoned out when possible and laughed at over a few pints later in the evening when the aforementioned CEO is legless on the dance floor trying to get it on with Jacinta from reception.
This reminds me of a quote I read a while ago, possibly one of those demotivational posters: “Remember that you are unique. Just like everybody else.”
David, Again this is great social observation and very cleverly written as usual. You are great at stating the problem and have the luxury of taking the observer/journalist/writer role. You are the “travel writer” of the industrial landscape. Bill Bryson and Pete McCarthy with Blazers on. All very entertaining. Please do take a trip to Public Service Land and I am sure we will have a right laugh there too. Now that said, sure you can slag off the CEO, the Receptionist, the UPS guy etc, but this article leaves me a little empty. There is a well meaning workforce… Read more »
A favourite of ours to play at the terrifying quarterly town halls is bullsh1t bingo… “Drive the business” “Strengthen the franchise” “We have a great story to tell” “Rubbers hitting the road” “I’m excited about the next year” “Best in class” “the new operations center of excellence” Followed by hilarious party sanctioned QA session with regions dialling in and inevitable brown nosing from whatever young turk has been transferred to the Siberia branch:”How do you see the branch fitting into the global expansion plans for Megacorp”. This year’s business head wil then reply with “is one of my favourite cities,… Read more »
“Siberia is one of my favourite cities, I remember last time I was there I enjoyed a (miscellanioues local delicacy) with (senior Americian transferred to Godforsaken region) is essential to our future plans”
David, I have been enjoying your numerous articles and have found the above article to be the most amusing to date, which some may find surprising as I work as a HR Manager!! I agree with the essence of what you are saying about the “7 steps to everything approach” being a nonsence, it does nothing more than offer workers false kindness and false hope. However I still feel HR plays a pivotol role in business today but isn’t utilised in the proper manner. The problem a lot of people have with HR is that everyone thinks they can do… Read more »
[quote]Getting fired once in a while may also be very liberating.[/quote] Mick, I think you need to go back to Chicago for even thinking that. Are you for real!
The most cringeworthy of the Americanised Corporate guff remarks, has to be the gift from my own brother who for the sake of anonymity I’ll call Mental Michael (an oily mortgage broker no less), who once said (with the total self-belief of an evangelist on coke), “That guy… He’s the kind of guy who listens to W.I.I.FM Radio! What’s In It For Me!” At that point, I felt sick.
Hi again David, I agree with your observations – Welcome to the world of corporate B-S, which is not only a US problem but is endemic across many businesses around the globe, European, US, Asian, etc. It is far from a new phenomenon though and I would hazard a guess that you have come across it from when you first entered the ‘corporate’ workforce. I know I have and that is 20 years ago, and it was not new then. > The crowd laugh uproariously in synchronised Ceausescu-like fashion. An apt metaphor with the link to Ceausescu. Its funny how… Read more »
These things are painfully bad alright. Problem is the American company I used to work for used to provide alot of free booze. I’ll sit through 20 productivity powerpoint presentations if there’s free booze.
You have all your ducks in a row on this one, Dave, at this point in time.
Does anybody else see parallels between how corporations communicate with their workers (sorry, resources), and how churches communicate with their congregations? Think about it – the church was the original global corporation which demanded total commitment and devotion from its members, and promised punishment or rewards according to how its members behaved. Nowadays being fired from your job is tantamount to excommunication. The practice of bribery and corruption could be equated to the practice of 14th century merchants giving money to the church as a means of paying off their sins in this life. On your knees everyone, all bow… Read more »
Not to mention bullying, which is rife in not only the corporate world, but in small companies too. I am prevented from discussing who, when and where, but (and I have to add) it may be apparent that I was bullied for the best part of two and a half years by my immediate bosses (apparently). And what was done about it? Well, you could say that when I left, the company (a large Irish bank that shall remain both faceless and nameless, apparently) bought my silence, but I couldn’t possibly say that. I’m sure you understand. You could (apparently)… Read more »
No offence Dave, but I think you’re way off the mark on this article. I’ve worked in several American corporations and I can safely say that the corporate clap-trap just washes over 90% of the Irish staff. Indeed, the vast majority of us cringe when we’re forced into dealing with over-zealous and pepped up Yanks who live and breathe the corporation. In general, we just get on with our jobs and when the Microsoft Outlook invite comes in, to attend some CEO/Head-Manager web conference, it’s promptly ignored. The benefits of working for the corporation vastly outweigh the above minor inconveniences.… Read more »
Just wanted to complement you on this excellent post David! I for one hear the term “resource” being applied to me and my colleagues on a daily basis by management at the various companies where I have worked (I work in software), and personally I have always found this term to be offensive.
Meritocracy is really the voice of idealism, not a commonality, or even a reality for the most part (but then so was communism and look where that ended). The corporate bull-shit of what someone may believe in meritocracy, could potentially be seen as the voice of the brain-washed, or maybe it’s just more de-Humanised Resources claptrap. Who knows, but of course we are all entitled to fredom of speech, at least from outside the office. Yet, as far as working within those walls of corporate existence, it becomes a freedom of thought at best and, unfortunatley, at most. For the… Read more »
David, RF Hoxie’s (1917) stated that “the interests of employers and the workers are generally opposed”. It appears that this view is similar today. If you accept this is true and HR is nonsensical, then what is your suggestion? The problem as far as I can determine is not that HR doesnt work but won’t work when sections of policy are cherry picked. Either full HR policy with management approval and involvment is implimented or not at all. The top 10 employers in Ireland and U.K. have all implimented full HR theoretical policies and are commonly listed as the best… Read more »
an excellent article, spot on. Its also funny when this new terminology comes in everyone pretends they have been using all the time and it is not just the new jargon from cupertino, its also funny the way the old jargon that everyone was using 3 years ago is quietly dropped never to be used again except of course in public service land who have just started using it. Its funny to hear provincial ministers talking about “going forward” and the “line minister” etc.
DDS said, on October 12th, 2007 at 1:20 am “Meritocracy is really the voice of idealism, not a commonality, or even a reality for the most part (but then so was communism and look where that ended). The corporate bull-shit of what someone may believe in meritocracy, could potentially be seen as the voice of the brain-washed, or maybe it’s just more de-Humanised Resources claptrap.” What a load of tosh! Any organisation, whether it be Mom and Pop’s Local Nail Making Factory right up to Microsoft, is run as a meritocracy! If you perform well, you get rewarded; if you… Read more »
Spot on article. I hope there is a follow up. You stated the problem. Now what? Personally, I think this represents the basis of most of the decline we a seeing in MNCs for the last umpteen years.
Very good article and I think you will find that this type of “new age” nonsense has been going on a lot longer than the Celtic tiger years. I have worked for two major U.S corporations for the past 28 years and have gone through more types of “team buliding” and corporate, nebulous nonsense than you could count. The real maddening thing about this is that real needs and real issues are being over looked to pay for this stuff and people are stunted in their development and opportunities because of it. Focussed, relevant and highly tailored training and development,… Read more »
David You seem to have overlooked the attitudes of the Irish worker. After 3 years in this country in association with a multinational company, my observation is that the majority of Irish workers are abysmally lazy and have extremely sloppy attitudes towards their work. They arrive late, wearing clothes that often look slept in, leave early on any excuse and will most likely take the next day off. Whatever little work they may have actually finished, will invariably contain numerous errors. They may be “educated” but certainly not motivated—unless there is booze or sports involved. It may have been a… Read more »
If you want to see a good example of a crowd in ‘synchronised Ceausescu-like fashion’, check out the opening scene in Robert Greenwald’s film, ‘Wal-Mart: The High Price of Low Cost.’….it starts with the Wal-Mart CEO, Lee Scott addressing the crowd, and it is seriously scary…..the employees (or associates) are almost evangelical in their response…
You think group-think oppression is bad in Ireland? Just wait until you get your doses of diversity training (presupposing that it hasn’t arrived yet). There the velvet gloves will be unsheathed to reveal the iron fists of the Diversity Commisars. And the benighted middle-manager wannabees will be thought that it is unthinkable to even think any counter-diversity thoughts. Big Brother is alive and well and coming soon to a country near you (actually your country suckers).
DDS> (Bullying) – It’s going on under everyones noses and nothing gets done about it. In the meantime, the fallout is growing rapidly. I think you have raised a very important additional point to this discussion. The mantra that emanates from the HR function and management, the ‘party’ line, does have a very dangerous side affect. Its true that in the main many can ignore it and treat it that something that they just have to get through, grin and bear it, etc. However, its ‘dark’ underside is that such methods are used for nefarious bad teatment of employees, used… Read more »
Nice touch with the “Foreigner 4”, David!
From the ridiculous ‘delightling the customer’ to the far more sinister ‘friendly fire’ the U.S has used these oxymorons to beguile and often downright lie to people in a marketing friendly way. The key is to look past the nonsense and see with your own eyes, as you have strived to do here. We all have to go through these sessions, Irish bosses conform to the corporate line, as their U.S bosses demand, will this change? I doubt it.. However, I dont think anyone is going to change this rubbish, this is far more engrained than just a fad ,… Read more »
Yeah thats life!
anyway David what is your view on the possibility of a interest free economy?
can it work, and why?
If not, why not?